No words in the vernacular

// March 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday, Photos

I can’t go to bed without posting because I feel bad.

By all accounts, I am having a spectacular weekend – the weekend I needed to have to brush off all the work and stress from recent weekdays. My friend Tim from Paris is visiting, as well as Jen and Nora from San Diego. They’re all staying at my apartment and it’s a full house. We had a great Friday starting off with dinner and cocktails at my favorite restaurant, Absinthe, then turned a local bar into our personal dance party by dominating the jukebox with our favorite music. At one point, we were singing along to Jimmy Eat World’s Work at the top of our lungs :)

Doing the Lady Gaga claw at the bar

Today, we celebrated Jen’s birthday with a wine tasting trip to Sonoma. I thought wine tasting would be fun since Tim’s from Paris and he can compare and contrast Northern California wines with French wines (turns out he doesn’t drink that much wine, so he doesn’t have an opinion!). Since Jen and Nora missed a wine tasting trip with me over Christmas, the Sonoma trip made up for it. The weather was beautiful! About 65*F, sunny with some clouds, not very crowded at the wineries.. I kept myself sober as the designated driver, but still had a lot of fun. On our way back about an hour before sunset, I decided to take everyone on a short detour through the Marin Headlands since it’s my favorite “hidden” spot to show out of town friends. We ended our day with sushi and watching Superbad (I think we might have shocked Tim with this movie). And the weekend is only half over!

At Domaine Carneros winery

So why do I feel bad despite all this? Sometime earlier this week, someone reaffirmed something I have been trying to change. I’m a very easy going person with most situations, but I need to assert myself at some point before I – my morals, my ideals, me – get compromised. I got put in a situation where I could let someone act like a complete dick to me, or I could assert myself and tell that person they’re out of my life. I did the latter in a mild manner and I felt bad about it all day. I wondered if I was too harsh. A little part of me also wondered if I read the situation wrong and maybe the other person wasn’t being a jerk. Sigh. I suppose with more practice, I will get better at this.

Back to my spectacular weekend: I did something spectacular on Friday night. Rather, I met someone spectacular. So spectacular that I’m kind of waiting for my friends to jump out and yell, “Haha! Punked!” because I don’t quite believe he’s real yet. I’ll leave it at that. Eventually I’ll become more comfortable with writing about these things again.


My favorite photo from today – looks like a band photo

Do you want to know a secret?

// March 3rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday

I don’t know if this is so much a secret as it is just something I don’t share outloud because it sounds superficial and completely immature.

Lately I’ve been obsessed with my appearance. When I first moved up here, I was a SoCal girl through and through. Going to work without brushing my hair (it’s so straight it always falls into place), in jeans, a t-shirt and sandals, absolutely no makeup or jewelry. Slowly, I became more feminine and fashion aware, but there was still a huge separation – one day I’d look like I strolled in from the beach, the next I’d be in heels and a skirt. Since mid last year, I’ve been focusing more on my appearance. It has now gotten to the point where I (almost always) have to put on makeup before I go to work and make sure I’m wearing something that I would be flattered to be caught in. My newfound vanity bothers me a bit, but on days like today, it’s relieving to know I can still leave the house wearing yesterday’s clothes and no makeup and feel fine. I was mildly amused today when several coworkers approached me to see if I was okay because I “didn’t look so good.” Har har.

So to be honest, this wasn’t where I was taking this post. I started writing and suddenly it got to this point and now I’m ok with sharing this. Sophia Loren said, “Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” The only reason I started focusing so much on the physical is because I stopped feeling beautiful inside. The last two people I dated for a few months made me feel like I wasn’t attractive and that really hit me hard. I had a friend comment that I wasn’t even walking as confidently. I noticed myself hiding behind another friend at a bar when people would look at me. I just didn’t want to be seen because two awful people had drilled it into me that I wasn’t worth seeing.

In hindsight, I can see that I was “hiding” behind the look just to feel better about how I look. How dumb is that?  I’m feeling pretty great these days and I’m pretty happy I’m breaking out of that thought process. Can’t help but flaunt what I have ;)

Maybe my brain is mush

// March 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday

My last few posts probably sounded more inane and scattered than usual because I’ve been so slammed with work lately. I’ve seriously considered moving to Mountain View or somewhere closer to work. My ~ 1 hour commute each way is slightly starting to grind on my soul, but that just might be during the rainy days. I really do love San Francisco, but I wonder if I could love Mountain View just as much? I already know it’s not a money issue since rent is about the same for the caliber of apartment I’d seek, but time.. Time is money, they say.

Lately I’ve been quieter. There’s a lot I started typing about this, but I don’t think any of it needs to be shared. Just feeling a bit more introverted these days :)

I just reread my blog entries about the fire and whoa. I’ve been thinking about this lately because I had two sets of French friends visit me – one before the fire, one immediately after. They’re both coming to visit this month and just how much has changed since the last time I saw them both has me in awe. Life isn’t all that hard :)

By the way? Everything is awesome.

Hear you me

// February 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday, Relationships

I’m working on launching a rather large project at work this week, one that I’m extremely proud of, except I couldn’t find myself the right music to work to this morning. Damien Rice was too whiny, The Cardigans were really quite depressing, AFI was too hard.. Nothing really suited me.

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m very audibly driven – I’m more entranced by sound than I am by aesthetics. I used to spend hours talking to a guy I liked on the phone more than in person. His voice was just pure goodness to my ears. Recently, talking to someone else, my heart skipped a beat and it’d be oh so long since I felt that (it put a huge grin on my face :)). And most recently, I was at karaoke with some friends and one of them was singing right next to my ear – a great crooning voice will make a sucker of me. I don’t really like deep voices or what is perceived as a “manly” voice.

That said, there is a huge difference between hearing someone and listening to them.

Inspiration

// February 16th, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday, Food, Photos

Inspiration has been a topic around me lately. Most are inspired by people, things, ideas and even themselves, but I’m inspired by a state of being: imperfection. Maybe it’s the user interface designer in me, but whenever I find imperfection – in a person, thing, idea and especially in myself – I see what it could be and I want to take it there.

Lately I’ve been inspired by my own imperfection, but the more I think about it, the fuzzier the end goal looks. What exactly is perfection, to me, in myself? I’ve given myself some short term superficial goals to help it along for now..

I’m also inspired by food like tea eggs for Chinese New Year :)

Not stalled, just in a long queue

// February 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday

I’ve felt more balanced since my “What are you waiting for?” post. I’ve been trying to be more aware of what I’m focusing my energy towards each day because in all reality, a day has very little time after you factor out the necessity of work. Yes, I have a lot of fun attending events and hanging out with my friends, but I also make absolute sure that I’m giving myself enough time to really work on myself and evolve. I’m also allowing for plenty of personal leisure time, like when I spent a few hours out at the Chinatown fair and shopping in Union Square this past weekend.

When I’m out, mostly if I’m by myself, I make sure to talk to other people. I feel like strangers are a lot more interesting – and inviting – when you converse with them one on one. And with each new person I talk to, I feel as though I’m casting my nets out to the sea of chance. Who knows what that new connection will bring – a new job, a new friend, a new thought? Even if it doesn’t offer me a longer term advantage, I feel better having made someone laugh or feel as though they mattered during the time I spoke with them.

Don’t try to have it all–you simply can’t.  Time doesn’t allow for it.  But absolutely try for what it is you sincerely want to do.

This is my favorite part of an interesting post I just read that made me think about what I’ve been doing to stop waiting around and I realized that connecting with other people is sincerely what I want to do. I can’t be a good user experience designer if I’m cutting myself off from users, nor can I be a good human if I can’t connect with other humans :)

Time seems to slow down when I am making the most of it.

Preparing for Chinese New Years

// February 7th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Everyday, Photos

I spent a few hours doing Chinese New Years related stuff this weekend. Cleaning my apartment took a few hours. I have been rearranging the decor lately and it looks a lot better (more pink? hah). While inspiring, I probably need to spend less time on interior design websites and dream of the things I want to do to the apartment.. Those daydreams help though, because I get even more motivated to own my own home!

The Chinatown Chinese New Year Flower Fair is an annual stop for me, but it wasn’t as exciting as prior years. There weren’t any good food deals and not as many booths giving things out for free. I really enjoy pushing through the tight crowd of people on the streets though, it reminds me of Hong Kong.

I bought myself a small Chinese mumm potted plant and a bunch of gladiolas. Orchids also seem popular for Chinese New Year, but they’re so hard to care for.. Plus I think I’m allergic to them.

I was pretty hungry when I was in Chinatown, too, so I got some street vendor food – curry fish balls and tea egg. So delicious (and I didn’t get sick)! I’m going to make tea eggs for myself tomorrow after I find some cinnamon sticks :)

This weekend was pretty eventful and relaxing otherwise – I went to a SF Beer Week event at Millenium, a vegan restaurant. The 4 course dinner with beer pairing was quite delicious and surprisingly filled me up. I didn’t expect that from vegan food. I also went out to a housewarming party that was full of biotech people who were very friendly, intelligent and totally awesome. This reminds me that I need to pull myself away from tech more because “normal” people don’t talk about tech stuff or pull out their smart phones everywhere they go.

Roasted leg of lamb

// February 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Creations, Everyday, Food

Lamb is one of my favorite meats to cook because it’s one of the hardest meats to perfect. It can easily be overcooked, under seasoned (leaving a heavy gamey flavor in the meat) or poorly cut (you end up chewing through fat and muscle more than meat).

Julia Child has a few marinade recipes that work for lamb, but I think the marinade matters less than the cooking method. If you’re making an entire roasted leg of lamb, I’d suggest studding the lamb with garlic cloves – this imparts a great flavor to the meat, without being too strong. Just take a knife, stab the meat and put cloves into each hole. The garlic cloves are pretty well caramelized and edible after roasting, too! You can see the garlic cloves in the meat in this photo:

Cooking method best summed up by Simply Recipes:

Preheat oven to 425°F. Arrange two racks in the oven – a middle rack to hold the lamb, and a lower rack to hold a roasting pan with which to catch the drippings. Place the empty roasting pan in the oven while the oven is pre-heating. Note that this arrangement of racks and pans, with the roast sitting directly on the oven rack, will create a natural convection of heat in the oven, causing the roast to cook more quickly than if cooked the traditional method in a rack in a roasting pan.

Roast at 425°F for 20 minutes. Then reduce the heat to 300°F and roast an additional hour (for a 6 pound roast), about 10-12 minutes per pound.

In the lower pan, put some fingerling potatoes tossed in olive oil. The drippings will give the potatoes flavor and make the outsides crispy. These are the best potatoes I’ve ever had.

Perhaps there’s a fourth piece

// February 2nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Everyday, Relationships

It’s often said that we seek 3 things in a mate: brains, looks and personality. Let’s break that down.

Brains is the obvious one to me. Intelligence and the ability to mentally keep on par with another in any sort of conversation is probably a key part in my friendships and relationships. I have a pretty low tolerance for stupid people, mostly because it seems like of all the things you can change about yourself, intelligence is the easiest.

Looks equate to physical attraction. Chemistry. This is pretty simple – if chemistry wasn’t a necessity, then I would be dating any one of my friends. However, I am not attracted to any of my friends.

Personality. This is the biggest variable and hardest to figure out. It takes time to get to know someone at heart, but this is what makes someone who they are. Personality is also the one thing I’m willing to be lenient on because it’s not a standard that can be measured. Just because someone has a different personality trait than you, that doesn’t make them “wrong.”

So that’s my short, analytical break down of the three areas in which I judge someone. I’ve met a lot of brains and personalities that I call good friends, a few looks and personalities that I enjoy, no looks and brains that I can recall.. But the saddest is when you meet someone who meets your standards of brains, looks and personality.. And the chemistry between the two of you isn’t there. It’s the fourth piece that is out of your control.

Then again, I sometimes wonder if my idea of attraction actually exists, or if it’s just the length of time and bond I’ve developed with someone that fools me into thinking I like them.

What are you waiting for?

// January 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // Everyday

A few days ago, I woke up from a dream. I don’t remember the details of the dream, but I was in San Diego – living in my small bedroom at my parent’s house with my twin bed, cooking for the family, happy. It seemed like nothing negative had ever happened and I had never left San Diego. There was a feeling of carefree and bliss.

Then I woke up. I opened my eyes to see the shelves on the other side of the large room I was in and felt very confused. Was I sleeping at a friend’s house? I rolled a bit in my huge bed and a sinking disappointment took over. Oh. I’m in San Francisco. I am 26. This is my life.

Since then, I haven’t felt right.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with this life I have worked hard for. I kind of have it all – great job that I work hard at, awesome friends whom I love, a family that is proud of me, freedom to go on adventures with nothing holding me back.. It’s all so normal. So painfully normal and I feel like I’m waiting for something extraordinary to happen.

Even I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

So this is my wake up call. I’m going to stop waiting, I’m going to start being proactive. At the very worst, I will at least have had more experiences than I would if I were to keep waiting my life out.

“Now is not about looking for answers because we don’t yet know their meaning. Now is about living for the question and experiencing the answer.”

My question to myself is: what are you waiting for? I can live with experiencing that answer.

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