The fire

// October 3rd, 2008 // Everyday

Always look on the bright side of things. Let me tell you about the bright sides of my life. I have my dream job as a UI/UX designer at a really intelligent company that values me. I am making great progress in my career for being a 24 year old, about 3 years out of college. Since I moved into one of the coolest cities on the west coast, I’ve only grown closer to my family, whom I love very much. My true friends in San Diego and Bay Area are a modest handful, but I’m so happy to know I can count on them for support if I need it in my darkest of hours. I own and drive a hot little red car. I live in a nice, affordable place in a safe boutique neighborhood. In the past year and a half, I’ve grown into this person that I actually like and am really happy, confident and guilt free about my choices in life. I am incredibly content with being alone, it doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. I get to go to the opera in orchestra seats for $50. I have a great friend in the city who is ready to do anything, anytime and doesn’t judge me if I’m in a bad mood and not “on.” I recently met this awesome, happy guy and it’s mutual like, which puts a big smile on my face.

So when life throws me an awful happenstance, well.. I just need to remind myself: I am alive and my life is good. Despite the fact that I woke up at 2:25am to a huge fire which ended up consuming my bedroom and my belongings. Despite the fact that I am absolutely terrified of the dark right now (and probably forever) because the power went out while I was trying to escape and I didn’t have my contacts or glasses on. I froze up at that moment; while this intense fire, which warmed my face and sent my bedroom window shattering onto me and my bed, was licking into my bedroom. I stayed for what felt like an eternity. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t move. I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes or any cliches like that. I just stared in absolute terror. Not a thought through my mind.

Then I moved.

When I was in college, my boyfriend used to joke that I loved my stuffed monkeys so much that I would save them before I saved him in a fire. Well, he was right. I valued them more than I valued myself, which is why when I finally got into action, I called 911 (worst calm-down tactics ever, btw) and ran into the bathroom to get my contacts on. At the time, I was still unsure of what was happening with the fire. All I heard was loud sizzle-pops that sounded like firecrackers, so I thought someone was setting off firecrackers. I also heard someone yelling, “Get out! Get out now!” so in my panic, I had an irrational thought that someone was setting off firecrackers to scare me out of my house so they could kill me. I told that to the 911 operator shortly before I hung up on her because I dropped my phone.

There I was, collapsed on the sidewalk across the street from my house. Hugging 5 large stuffed monkeys and a laptop bag, hyper venilating and dry sobbing. My neighbors are kind people and came to calm me down, but I called Jessica and Jon (best. friends. ever.) to come out and help me. They live 3 houses down and came over to take my monkeys and laptop while I stood and watched the flames go in my bedroom window and burn everything I knew as comfort and familiarity.

So I already know how I react to emergency situations like this. Freak out for the first 30 minutes, then I go deadly calm. That’s where I am right now. I’m scared, but calm. I don’t know what this means to me, financially and timewise, yet. I can’t sleep. I think I got 1-2 hours of sleep before the fire woke me. It’s the rest of the emotions that I’m afraid of.. I really just want to cry it out, but nothing’s there. Just pain, cuts and a smoky cough.

I almost died. I haven’t completely fathomed that yet. Again.